Respecting Agency and Truth in Relationships

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Ministry leaders who embrace both the agency of the individual and the existence of absolute truth often deal with a tension. For instance, on the one hand, you want to put a woman you’re serving in the driver’s seat of her own life, help her set her own goals, and achieve a destination of her choosing. On the other, her current destination of choice is to leave your program and move back in with an abusive boyfriend.

The temptation is to become paternal — that is, to assume she has no agency and needs to be told what to want and how to get it. Yet paternalism is a dreaded approach to serving the poor and rightly so. Most charity workers consider it a dirty word, preferring to help people make their own choices. And a Christian perspective can heighten the tension even more because we know that while there are numerous good choices one can make, some are unwise — and others are downright sinful.

Are people in poverty more likely to make imprudent or immoral choices? Biblically speaking, there are more admonitions given to the rich than the poor, so if anything, the middle-class and wealthy might face more temptation. However, the Bible also points out that certain vices can lead to poverty. Examples include laziness (Proverbs 6:10), wasteful spending (Proverbs 21:17), and addiction (Proverbs 23:21). Additionally, just as plenty of money can lead to temptations like pride, poverty can lead to temptations like stealing to make ends meet (Proverbs 30:7-9). Regardless of circumstance, all people, at any income level, are prone to making bad choices.

That’s why healthy relationships involve challenging the beliefs and plans of those we care about. It also involves simultaneously letting them take ownership of their lives while warning them against critical mistakes. That’s especially true if you’re in a case management or mentorship role, so here are a few things to keep in mind:

1.   Know the difference between facts and opinions

Ground yourself in what the Bible says about the right way to live but realize it leaves a lot open for personal application. Educate yourself on real stories of success for people in poverty. Don’t confuse your experience, denominational bent, or cultural preferences with absolute truth. You’re not the authority, but that doesn’t mean there is no authority. Evaluate on the basis of the following continuum: morality (e.g., not abusing illegal drugs); a general but not universal truth (i.e.,  getting a high school diploma/GED is a wise choice for most people); and personal preference (moving to seek a better opportunity elsewhere, which has pros and cons).

2.    Listen before you share

When people set goals, it’s distinctly possible they’ll come up with a bad idea — but they’ll doubtless come up with good ones as well. Give them the courtesy of determining the direction of the conversation and listen intently. Focus on what’s good about their goals and be quick to praise it.

3.    Be content with significant but intermediate progress

A client may have set some good goals — but you wish they would set more. For instance, they’ve built a budget and are saving money —  but you want them to save even more by not smoking a pack a day. As long as progress is significant, it’s better to encourage it than to pile on more expectations. And it’s wise to avoid unnecessary disagreement — you’ll do more good as a coach than a life planner.

4.    If you must disagree, point back to absolutes

Suppose someone you know plans to work for cash “under the table” to qualify for welfare benefits. This is both unwise and immoral. Rather than relying on your own wisdom as the rationale for explaining why it’s a poor decision, point to scripture. And be sure to point out how scripture has challenged your decisions in the past. Remind him or her it is an authority to which we all must submit — and defying it is to our detriment.

  5.   Demonstrate respect for experience

In addition to moral absolutes, there is also wisdom in respecting others’ experience  — especially those who’ve lived a long time (Job 12:12). While it may not be possible to impart it to your clients immediately, you can begin by showing interest in areas in which they have skills and consult their opinions on matters in which they are specialists. Also, seek input from others in your own decision-making; and share with clients how many of your best decisions came about through others’ wise counsel and not merely your intuition.

While we must avoid getting in the driver’s seat of another adult’s life, there’s no need to be apologetic about sharing the rules of the road because in most cases, the people you’re serving are looking to you for assistance. We can — and should — simultaneously respect their agency and capacity to engage with truth.

The True Charity Network exists to help you learn, connect, and influence in the realm of effective charity.  Learn more about the Network here.